Growth Hurts...

May 23, 2016

My word of the year is Growth. I mean it to fill all areas of my life, not just my business.  Growth and change go hand in hand. 

Growth is something that the plant world does really well for the most part. If the conditions are right then a plant will grow and align with the imprint of exactly what it is supposed to look like and how it responds and contributes to the whole ecosystem of which it is a part. 

I think this is also true for humans, only it seems to be so much harder for us to find the "right" conditions that support alignment with our true nature, our true selves. In fact, since most of us don’t know who that is exactly, the potential for growth can be quite stunted.

 

I am just learning how to take care of myself. A grown woman and mother of three yet taking care of myself, tending to my own needs, is a difficult and alien concept. Some days are harder than others. These are the days when things don’t go according to the carefully laid out plan I have in my mind of how life should unfold. Unless you live a hermit life this is to be expected living with other humans with thoughts and wills of their own—so why is it always such a shock?

My kids are so much better at flowing with what life presents. They seem to do it effortlessly as most children naturally do before they accumulate and embody the stories and beliefs of their surroundings. I don’t really remember feeling that freedom in my childhood. Early on I tuned into and was hyper aware of local weather conditions in my home and decided, unconsciously of course, that I was responsible for the general maintenance of said surroundings. 

Children are sponges. It is natural for them to tune into and grow in alignment with their surroundings. They really have no choice if they want to thrive. Most of us are therefore raised, and culturally conditioned, to be aware of the needs and expectations of others long before we tune into our own needs. We don’t want to be selfish after all. 

And so I was a natural “pleaser” with the general misconception that doing what others wanted me to do was directly linked to my perception of being lovable and loved. My entire sense of worthiness was built on that shaky foundation, and I know I am not alone in this.

I’m all grown up now, supposedly, but when my kids decide that their needs do not coincide with my own I am faced with myself and my inadequacies in the self-esteem department head on.

That's the trouble with growth and self awareness—you begin to see yourself (in the moment) acting out in a way that doesn't align with who you are or who you want to be.

 

An old record comes on, and I find myself dancing to the same old tune, spitting out things about being selfish and other words to the effect that their choices to take care of themselves is somehow to spite me. I react as if I have been assaulted personally and I see myself as a tantruming child who didn’t get her own way!

But, I am an adult, and shouldn't I have my own way just as the adults in my life had theirs? Aren’t I in charge?  Don’t I know best? Shouldn’t they just be respectful, good kids and do as they are told? 

The quiet voice inside me, my intuition, is also simultaneously “yelling” at me to pause and take a breath. When I am conscious I can see this particular incident is unimportant except to show me a pattern that is worn out and no longer serving me. 

Growth, becoming more conscious, takes so much energy. Awareness of yourself and what is actually happening within and without is the first step. Acting on this awareness is where the growth really happens.

This is where a lot of us get stuck. After all it is so much easier to not be self-aware, to not have to choose to align with these new truths as they become obvious to you. It is so much easier to self-medicate somehow, with blame, or food, or whatever it is that we choose to numb our growing pains with. Drama, judgment and guilt are particularly toxic to personal growth.

So I go to the garden and I cry and sob and try to breathe and Mother Nature holds me tenderly and reminds me of who I am and how much I have grown. 

Calm and present, I recognize the gifts my children are inadvertently giving me by simply being themselves. By courageously expressing their own needs, they are showing me how to connect with my own and this is where the healing happens. They are also showing me how to love unconditionally in a world where no two beings are having the exact same experience. They are helping me to truly live in the moment, if I choose to receive.

And that's where Campanula makes her presence known. The flowers have impeccable timing that way. I went outside to get some fresh air (and a fresh perspective) and she is growing right where I am sitting quietly reminding me that I am not a victim in this story and celebrating how far I have come.

“Focus on all that you have achieved instead of dwelling on all there is yet to do. Look at how you are growing!” says Campanula

I am not the person I was even a year ago. I may look the same on the outside, but I have become aware of and shed so many layers of who I am not that I scarcely recognize my reflection in the mirror. Instead I am starting to see glimpses of myself through a lens of love and compassion that previously had no room to grow within my self-pity story. And these are important ingredients for strong growth for sure! 🌸

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