Last moon cycle in my Soulflower world I spent quality time with Sunflower (CONFIDENCE) who reminded me of my own unique light and my own contribution to this world—that we all have something, a gift, to share and to contribute. This moon cycle Daffodil (PERCEPTION) continues the story by reminding me that if this is true for one, it is most certainly true for all!
Scrolling through the virtual world, or watching the news, our minds are constantly analyzing, judging and absorbing so much external information that it not only divides us from each other but it also literally separates us from our bodies and the wisdom they hold.
And it is our bodies that are the “resonators” of our truth.
Not our minds.
On the contrary, our minds run interference as we attempt to make sense of what our bodies are feeling.
Understanding and articulating a felt sense, something unseen, is not an easy task, especially if what our bodies are communicating does not fit with our deeply held beliefs, or the acceptable social narrative, or, if what we discover feels scary, or outside our perception of loveable.
These last few weeks, in addition to my head hurting almost continuously, one of my daughters has also been really struggling, physically and emotionally.
She is my Scorpio baby, sweet sixteen, quiet and brooding, she too feels everything so deeply. Unlike her sisters though she does not like to process her feelings with me or out loud in any way.
It is a dark, personal process for her and she has always, always, wanted to do it her way and by herself. In most cases, what she comes up with does not look or feel simple or easy either and so for the last few weeks she has barely left her room, barely eaten, and certainly all her waking hours are in front of the screen, albeit reading, but in front of the screen nonetheless.
How much judgment arises within you as you read these words?
How much judgment of what she is doing or perhaps how I am allowing it as her mother?
How much do you want to “zoom in” and dissect my process because it is an escape from your own?
As an empath, and a deeply feeling person myself I know those judgments exist because they arise in me too.
My mind is filled with fear and what-ifs for her well-being, her mental and physical health. My mind is asking me to DO something, anything to help “fix the problem.”
My arms ache to scoop her up and hold her, tell her everything is going to be OK. I want to lovingly make her soup, tidy up around her like when she was small, guide her to Nature, the plants, and...somehow “control” how she responds to these deep feelings that she is having.
Yup...that’s right, it always boils down to perceived control doesn’t it...or rather lack of it.
And isn't that how we are all feeling about this pandemic?
Aren’t we all trying to find a narrative to fit our experience, to fix our experience, make some sense of it because it sure as heck is uncomfortable to witness and feel what we are all going through.
No matter how painful it is however to witness my daughter’s suffering, my mama heart knows she needs to figure this out on her own.
If I continually tell her what to do, pick up the pieces for her, spoon feed her the next best steps, how am I preparing her to enter the world as a young adult?
How am I empowering her if I simply apply my own solutions, my own perceptions, of what her life should look like.
And if I am actively trying to help “fix” her, the message she receives is that there must be something wrong with her...hmmm...that feels familiar.
This. Is. So. Hard.
Daffodil has been illuminating my awareness that my personal experience and my experience with my daughter is a reflection, a microcosm, of what is, and has been occurring on a global level. Indeed, all of our personal stories are.
As a culture we are conditioned from early on to accept various external experts telling us how to live our lives, what facts to learn, what to buy, what to feed ourselves and so on. And meantime, this information is simultaneously evolving so fast that no one ever quite knows what is the best way, sooooo, of course we look to “qualified” experts to inform us. See how that works? A vicious cycle for sure.
As a species we have forgotten how to think—or rather feel—for ourselves. We have stopped acknowledging and trusting our inner wisdom. The wisdom of our bodies.
And, for a very, very long time I have suffered with headaches.
My Soulflower journey was initiated by the acceptance that my headaches were not something that were happening to me, but rather something that was happening FOR me. For me to remember the truth of who I am and what I have come to create and express in this lifetime.
Slowly, slowly I am dismantling the energetic and physical dam that is creating my headaches as I hold my truth back.
And this is not something finite, as I have addressed many times over. It is a process, an evolution, a journey that has no ending but that is constantly unfolding, expanding, and coming to light in a beautiful spiral that is life.
And this is my story. And this is our story.
We have manifested an enormous headache! A pandemic for our collective experience!
What is true for one is certainly not always true for another and we know this and yet the prevailing modus operandi is to move more and more towards a homogenous society.
Instead of allowing life to express itself in a glorious multitude of ways we echo the experts, echo the sensational stories we hear from the news media, or at least the ones that we think are the most credible, and label those that think/act/believe/look differently from our perception of the ideal reality as “wrong” or “fake” or whatever other derogatory designations are being slung around with abandon these days.
This constant bickering naturally leaves us divided and depleted and our immune systems are shot and our world is sick and everyone, EVERYONE, without exception, is feeling it.
Is my daughter’s way of processing the way I would do it? Certainly not. Does that make her way wrong?
Our processes of healing, of remembering the truth of who we are, are as unique as human fingerprints.
And when I check in with how I am truly feeling—the wisdom my body is sharing— my heart says it is important to honor my daughter’s process by honoring my own process. Love her body by caring for and loving my own. Heal myself, face my fears and acknowledge my expectations and limitations in order to help her realize that she has the power to do the same.
The latin for Daffodil is Narcissis. Isn’t the very definition of narcissism to selfishly believe my way is the only right way and that I am entitled to impose my way on others?
From the safety of our homes, from our personal “front lines” of yet another "battle" against our newest perceived enemy experts are yelling, “do it my way!”
This is the right way. No! This is the right way.
Daffodil says, “Look for the LIGHT way!”
Daffodil says there is light in all. All beings and all experiences. And within the light is the full spectrum of every light frequency, every color of the rainbow. Our perception of that light is limited by our judgmental minds and we are painfully unaware of the bigger picture—the enormous transformation that is taking place.
If we can stand back, witness and allow the natural unfolding, as hard as it is, eventually more and more truth, feelings, realizations, and pain will slowly emerge from the dark to be seen—and to be healed.
No one has the right, single solution for our collective suffering. No one can know or understand the experience of the whole. We each have our own part to play.
And slowly, one by one, the dam that is holding back the truth of our human experience, the truth of who we are and our connection with our world will be dismantled.
We each hold a unique part of the collective truth which is coming to light. Our own truth.
Daffodil says, “Make nothing wrong.”
My Scorpio teen needs to figure out, on her own, how to handle and process her truth—how to engage with her own choices, identify her own passions, honor her physical body, move through her deeply held beliefs and let go of her own stories that no longer serve her.
She, and she alone, as a sovereign being, has her own life to live, her own journey to experience.
And, as hard as it is, my job at this point is to lovingly and without judgement, witness her process as best as I can, while I simultaneously move through my own process. While WE simultaneously move through our collective process.
After all, we are all in this together.
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The more I fight and struggle and suffer, the more I create all that I am not. And the more I sink into the watery depths of despair, which I have done over and over as I have unpacked my personal suffering, the more I pull others down with me. Rose tells me over and over that what is in my highest good is indeed in the highest good for all.
On our metaphorical dance floor that is life, we are faced with many choices every moment about what steps to take next. Lady’s Slipper asks if our steps come from within, guided by our connection with our higher selves, or if are they choreographed by others?