All is well. All is as it should be.
How can that be? Shouldn’t I be doing something? It’s January. I should be planning and goal setting and making lists and organizing the year ahead. I should feel energized and inspired but all I feel, frankly, is overwhelm and fatigue.
I breathe in and relax so I can hear Periwinkle reminding me that sometimes the action we need to take is non-action. Resting, absorbing, taking stock of how we feel, of what has been and all that we have learned. What felt good, or not so good. Aligned, or not so aligned.
How can we learn to trust that we are always exactly where we are meant to be?
How can we learn to believe in a greater vision for our lives then we are perhaps capable of envisioning? And how can we learn to accept and fully embrace our path, with all its requisite pain and joy, as it manifests, without judgement or self-deprecation?
I am reminded of some quote about if you want a different outcome you have to make different choices or do things differently than you have in the past. Yet most of us automatically repeat the same script over and over, expecting change, expecting growth but somehow not really manifesting either.
It is hard for me to eloquently relay all the thoughts and feelings that Periwinkle is bringing into my awareness. And I guess that is exactly what life is like—learning to make some sense of the tangly mess that life is, and then attempting to move forward based on that understanding.
Periwinkle’s intertwining vines speak to me of all the various threads of our lives, always growing, right, but not necessarily in an organized (or expansive) direction. Sometimes the vines grow back in amongst already established areas, reminding me of how we often need to revisit lessons or patterns in our lives until we finally recognize and integrate them into our awareness and are ready to move on—to expand, to grow.
2017 was a year of exploration for me. Challenging myself to face my fears and insecurities with my hearts work and all that it entailed...showing up for many public events, speaking about my art, speaking about the plants, telling my story, verbalizing my beliefs and generally facing the discomfort of making my inner world way more visible to my outer world.
It was exhausting in many respects and also exhilarating at the same time as I came face to face with my insecurities and fears of being seen. Realising, to a great extent, that these constructs were just that—constructs—of my own mind.
In facing them I realised they no longer held the power over me they once did, but now that I see them clearly, do I have the courage to embrace all that personal growth and new understanding entails?
Once you are aware of the “cage” that you have built to keep you safe and comfortable with familiar outcomes and experiences—even if they don’t fulfill you or support you any longer—can you find the courage to break out of the cage?
Complete with all the pain and discomfort and fear of uncertainty? Can you trust? That is what Periwinkle is saying to me.
I can look back at 2017 and clearly see which choices worked for me and which made me feel drained and uninspired. Periwinkle is asking me then, what am I going to do with that information?
Shall I play victim to my failures and shortcomings? Shall I give myself a hard time, trash talk myself into remaining with the familiar—remaining small and constricted? Becoming perhaps angry and resentful at my situation?
Or, shall I extend myself self-compassion, forgiveness and understanding that I had to experience it all, the way I experienced it, to really know which parts worked and which did not. We make choices at any given time based on our understanding and awareness at that time, and that there is nothing wrong with that at all.
There is a huge shift happening in my internal world as I find the courage to examine and express repressed facets of myself. And I realise that that will ultimately be reflected in my external world..how can it not?
The important part then is—can I take the time to rest and reflect, digest and incorporate all that I have learned instead of rushing ahead and making choices based on fear or old scripts? And can I find the courage to let go of those elements that no longer work and incorporate all that I have learned as I slowly, gently weave my way forward, finding room for expansion and personal growth in all aspects of my life?
Time will tell...
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old but building the new.”—Socrates
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